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Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:03 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know?
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago…
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:09 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Where's the joke? Wink

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Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Mountains Magpie 



Joined: 01 Mar 2005
Location: Somewhere between now and then

PostPosted: Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:52 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

stui magpie wrote:
^

Where's the joke? Wink


In the irony of hurtling towards the future the joke foretells Wink

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exhausted sources replaced by perversion
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 11:17 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Jimmy said, "I'm gonna do dat when I win da lottery."

"What's dat den?" asks Mikey.

"Send me lawn away to be mowed."
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 4:58 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males (but the women will always argue they were right)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."
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Bruce Gonsalves Gemini



Joined: 05 Jul 2012


PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 3:21 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males (but the women will always argue they were right)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


Pity she didn't get off her fat rrrse and get them herself.
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ronrat 



Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: Thailand

PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:20 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Bruce Gonsalves wrote:
Culprit wrote:
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males (but the women will always argue they were right)

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."


Pity she didn't get off her fat rrrse and get them herself.


Because it would spending the money in her kick and not his. For maximum effect a game of sport must also be on and getting close.
"I will go after the game"

"Why not now. You don't follow either team".

At least here there is a sports bar 10 metres from 7-11. So an hour to walk 5 minutes and buy whatever seems reasonable to me.

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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:23 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Right now? What will you find there?
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 4:09 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Some random shit pinched from facebook.

The CEO's of a number of major brewers were having a catch up.

The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud lite
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors lite
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Lite
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.

The other 3 CEO's turned to him and asked him why?
He replied that since they weren't drinking beer, neither would he.


American cooking tips.

Tired of having to boil water to cook pasta? Boil a few gallons at the start of the week and freeze it for later.


Life comments / one liners.

You know you're ugly when you're always the one asked to take the group photos

"One man's trash is another man's treasure". It's a wonderful saying but a horrible way to find out you're adopted

I finally got one of those roof rack boxes for my car. They're really practical, I can barely hear the kids now.

I took my Grandmother to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat all the dead skin. For $60 it was way cheaper than paying for her to get buried or cremated.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.


A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t give you cyanide just like that.” Without a word, the man takes out his wife’s photograph and holds it in front of him.

The pharmacist apologizes, “My mistake, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”




A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty? “Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age." His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"


What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.



Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?

A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.

_________________
Every dead body on Mt Everest was once a highly motivated person, so maybe just calm the **** down.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 9:49 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day there he takes off
his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by,
and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection,
comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"

The man replies,
"No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain.
It's a rule here that if you get an
erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the
swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly
pulls him to her and happily lets him have
his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's
facilities. He enters the sauna and as he
sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers
out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?"
says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?"
says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man,
"it's a rule that if you fart, it implies
that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way
with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony
office, where he is greeted by the smiling,
naked receptionist,
"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells,
"Here's my membership card. You can have
the key back and you can keep the $500
membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies,
"you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all
our facilities."

The man replies,
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old.
I only get an erection once a month...

I fart 15 times a day.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 8:49 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
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David Libra

I dare you to try


Joined: 27 Jul 2003
Location: Andromeda

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 9:56 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that might be the lamest joke in this thread by a long stretch. Laughing
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 11:38 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Little old lady with a walking stick, must have been nearly 90, about 4 foot tall if that, came up to me at the cop shop yesterday and with a heavy accent says ‘I tell you joke?” Huh? Ok then, and she tells me a worse joke than the one above about an Italian and his barber, but to deliver the punchline she gets right in my face (I was looking for someone breaking into my car or ready to pinch my bag) and sh3 says in her very strong accent “and the pope, he comes a right up to me, and a looks me in the eye and says where you get that $£$%^%%$ haircut?!) pissed me self laughing, she actually swore! never seen her before in my life!
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You cant fix stupid, turns out you cant quarantine it either!
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2017 8:42 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

This photo is wrong on so many levels
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Skids Cancer

Quitting drinking will be one of the best choices you make in your life.


Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 . Member #175

PostPosted: Tue Dec 26, 2017 1:47 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call a drunken Muslim?

Mohammered.

How did you get out of Iraq?

Iran.

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Don't count the days, make the days count.
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