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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 3:17 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Skids wrote:
When I was working out at the local community last week, I noticed a pair of legs sticking out from under my ute.
I went over and asked the young fella "what are you doing under there mate?"

He slides out and says "Trying to get the whine outa the diff"


wine?

The golf one is good!

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 7:56 pm
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Apparently the RSPCA have banned Richmond supporters from owning dogs as pets. They can't hold a lead Razz Shocked Very Happy Laughing
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 7:59 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
Apparently the RSPCA have banned Richmond supporters from owning dogs as pets. They can't hold a lead Razz Shocked Very Happy Laughing


hah #richmondy

The golf one was good.

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Pies4shaw Leo

pies4shaw


Joined: 08 Oct 2007


PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 5:17 pm
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Q: What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny and other people don’t think they’re jokes.
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Wed May 24, 2017 7:45 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

Boom tish Razz

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 9:24 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:08 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

An Irishman walks into a bar in London, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

“You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it,” the bartender tells him, “and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I ‘ave two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m ‘ere in London. When we all left home, we promised we’d always drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o’me brothers and one for meself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and gives him his three pints.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them all together, one sip each.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that me wife ‘ad us join that Baptist Church and I ‘ad to quit drinking. ‘asn’t affected me brothers though.”
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 6:42 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

10 offensive stand up jokes. NSFW, keep the volume down if kids are around.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUKN739Gwu0

I cringed at at least 2 of them.

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HAL 

Please don't shout at me - I can't help it.


Joined: 17 Mar 2003


PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 6:43 pm
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10 times 10 = 100.
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:54 am
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Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as
yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:55 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 9:39 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table was literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!!!"😜😂

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:38 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

^

I can so see that happening. Wink Razz Laughing

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:59 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

stui magpie wrote:
^

I can so see that happening. Wink Razz Laughing


hehe, me too, not here obviously, then id have to cook the bloody things!! Wink

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Jun 29, 2017 9:58 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A little guy was sitting in a bar having a quiet beer when a big, surly guy walks in, as he passes the little guy, he hits him on the neck sending him to the floor. The big guy says, 'Thats a karate chop from Korea'.
The little guy says nothing, gets back on his stool and resumes drinking.

Little later after coming from the Men's the big guy passes the little guy again and wham, the little guy on the floor again. 'That's a judo chop from Japan' the big guy sniggers.

The little guy has had enough and leaves. Half hour later he's back, looks around and spots the big surly guy having
a beer, walks up behind him and smacks him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

The little guy says to the bartender, 'when he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f#*!ckin crowbar from Bunnings!
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