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Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

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Skids Cancer

Quitting drinking will be one of the best choices you make in your life.


Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 . Member #175

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 3:07 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Mugwump wrote:
stui magpie wrote:
^

Fair call, except the Irish aren't a race, they're a nationality.

I'm of mainly british ancestory and I'll take the p155 out of them at any given opportunity, but apologies for any offence.


Being 50% Irish and 50% English ancestry myself, I'd say that if the modern Irish have moved on from the historic grievances, it's debatable whether there is a good reason for an Australian resident to get too upset about it. Most people have suffered historic injustices, and most forgive and forget after a few generations.

Irish jokes did start as a British jeer at the ill-educated poor Irish who moved to England in the 19th century in search of work. But a lot of the British themselves, in that time, were nearly as oppressed by a pretty heartless ruling class. So the idea that this is one lot of oppressors and another oppressed is way too simple. I suspect the modern Irish jokes survives because the accent, perhaps the most beautiful spoken accent in the world, nevertheless has an essentially comic sound because of its lilting character


The funny thing is, nowhere in the TP's joke does it mention the actual nationality of Paddy. I have an aboriginal mate who's name is Paddy. Shocked

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 5:36 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Happy St Pats day

something I pinched from facebook.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...



















But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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think positive Libra

Side By Side


Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Fri Mar 17, 2017 7:02 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Hahahahahaha got me!
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2017 6:36 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.
"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."
"Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news.
What is it?" Saul replied enthusiastically


The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 22, 2017 8:01 am
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/\ Hahahaha, karma bus right there!
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 11:17 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

3 Nuns killed in a car accident arrive in Heaven.
God says, " before you can enter you have to answer a question". God points to the youngest Nun, "what was the name of the first woman"?
"Eve" she replies.
"Correct, you're in".
God Points to the middle aged Nun. "where did Eve live"?
"Garden of Eden", the middle Nun replies.
"Correct, you're in".
God points to the Mother Superior and says, "OK this question will be a bit tougher for you as you are the Mother Superior and you have a whole lot more knowledge. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam"?

Mother Superior struggling to think of the answer and she is thinking and thinking, talks to herself, "Gee, that's a hard one".

"Correct, you're in".
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watt price tully Scorpio



Joined: 15 May 2007


PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 6:38 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

A marketting company representative approached an American, a person from China, an Israeli & asked

"Excuse me, what's your opinion on the global shortage?"

The American replied: "What's a shortage"?

The person from China replied: "What's an opinion"?

The Israeli replied: What's excuse me"?

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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 7:29 pm
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^

LOL to both of you.

Laughing

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Mugwump 



Joined: 28 Jul 2007
Location: Between London and Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 1:35 am
Post subject: Reply with quote

From the Edinburgh Festival :

I'm not lazy, but when I go butterfly hunting I just think it's easier to drop my net on a caterpillar and wait...

and

I said to my girlfriend "I want you to understand that every time you correct my grammar, I love you a little bit fewer."

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2017 6:33 am
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Economics using Cows.

http://www.boredpanda.com/corporation-economies-explained-cows-ecownomics/

Laughing
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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 4:33 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said I cant wait for the new 911 to arrive!
Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!
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think positive Libra

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Joined: 30 Jun 2005
Location: somewhere

PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 8:47 pm
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Ooooh your bad but that's good!
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stui magpie Gemini

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.


Joined: 03 May 2005
Location: In flagrante delicto

PostPosted: Tue May 02, 2017 8:48 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

Culprit wrote:
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said I cant wait for the new 911 to arrive!
Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!



Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Culprit Cancer



Joined: 06 Feb 2003
Location: Port Melbourne

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 1:38 pm
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Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?

Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope.

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat
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Skids Cancer

Quitting drinking will be one of the best choices you make in your life.


Joined: 11 Sep 2007
Location: Joined 3/6/02 . Member #175

PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 2:11 pm
Post subject: Reply with quote

When I was working out at the local community last week, I noticed a pair of legs sticking out from under my ute.
I went over and asked the young fella "what are you doing under there mate?"

He slides out and says "Trying to get the whine outa the diff"

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