Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[think positive]

Abdullah heard that one of his wives was leaving him.
He rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings.
He sat beside her and said, “I hear you are planning to leave me?”
She replied “Yes, your other wives told me you are a paedophile!”
Abdullah thought for a minute or so and then said:
“That’s a mighty big word for a 9 year old."

[Culprit]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

'You disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children? I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!'

And Paddy (for it was he) replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And Paddy began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for y ou last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has the same pair.'

Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - 'She was very grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please .... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[think positive]

Hehehe

[stui magpie]

LOL,

This is an oldie, early 80's.

An African American man was walking down an alley kicking litter out of the way when a bottle that he kicked away suddenly started to issue smoke and a genie popped out.

"Wow man, watchoo doin in that bottle? " Said Willis

"I am a genie" replied the Genie "and for freeing me I'm going to give you 1 wish"

"Yeah? Dy No Mite" said Willis, "I want to be White, Uptight and outa sight" (complete with appropriate hand gestures)








So the genie turned him into a tampon.

[Culprit]

Not PC

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.
The offender had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they *ucked my wife after only five cans!”

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. She has no sense of humour.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said: “I have just shaved my *ussy and you know what that means don't you”? I said. “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again”!

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman. But, as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought, “Hang about!”

[stui magpie]

[Tannin]

[Culprit]

1. I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free
2. Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West
3. Surely every car is a people carrier?
4. What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter
5. If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go
6. Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas Loved this one
7. Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day
8. The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves
9. Clowns divorce. Custardy battle
10. They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for

[David]

Some absolute crackers in there, Culprit.

[Culprit]

This couple has a dog that snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
...
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring..

'Yeah ............ Right!' She says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.

Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red
ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.

He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.

So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties
it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees
a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the
red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,

'I don't know where we were or what we did last night, but hey we took FIRST and SECOND place!'

[HAL]

I am glad we agree.

[Dangles]

Deleted due to not being funny.

[stui magpie]

Knock Knock

Who's there

Argit

Argit who?

[Bucks5]

Now I want to know what I missed!

[think positive]