Jokes Jokes and More Jokes

[HAL]

Therefore you are.

[stui magpie]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Two, but the trick is getting them in there.

What has 75 balls and makes old ladies excited?
- A bingo machine.

Which would you rather be... a bowling ball or a lightbulb?
- It depends on whether you want to be fingered or screwed.

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls?
-The Spice Girls.

[think positive]

[Culprit]

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird

who was snoring and farting … so, at least I got home OK

****************************

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a home video last night and all

I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

****************************

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

******************************

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a
Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"

******************************
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

******************************

After both suffering from depression for a while,
me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

******************************
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered – the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

*******************************
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an
attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"


The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

*******************************

I came home one night and proudly announced to me
Dad that I had S E X for the first time.
He said "I hope you took precautions?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Did you wear a condom?"

“Nah, but I kept me balaclava on.”

******************************

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

****************************

Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

*****************************

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and
noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said,

"That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

[think positive]

Carlton

[HAL]

I lost my train of thought.

[think positive]

Not me

[Dark Beanie]

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.

'Yes,' he replies.

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.

'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..

The boy looks at her incredulously and says:

"Because I'm the goal keeper !!!"

[stui magpie]

^

[stui magpie]

Talking to a mate today about marriage. He's always been a bit indecisive.

He reckons it's great. He's been married for 10 years and hasn't made a single decision for 9.

[HAL]

What do they say?

[Pi]

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

[stui magpie]

Best jokes of 2014 by the worlds top comedians?

I'm sensing 2014 hasn't been a particularly funny year.


FANCY a giggle?

Here are some of the best jokes from 2014 that were carefully crafted and delivered perfectly by the world’s top comedians:

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again — Tim Vine

I worked out that on average I sleep with a little over three people every week. You could say I’m Pi-sexual — James Bennison

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon — Sara Pascoe

I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief — Milton Jones

I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, ‘I’m going to play it by ear’ — Lloyd Griffith

Whenever I’m in England someone invariably says to me: “Oh you are Australian. We really don’t think it’s right what you people did to the Aborigines.” And I always reply, “Hang on, wasn’t that you?” - Greg Fleet

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it it’s probably s**t — Stephen K Amos

I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea — Bec Hill

My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive — Joe Bor

I wonder how long it will be until airlines aren’t only charging for physical baggage, but for emotional baggage too? Not that it’d bother me. I’m fine. Really. Just ask my dad. WHO’S NEVER THERE! — Tegan Higginbotham

My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious. — Fin Taylor

I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust — Tim Vine

My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief — Mark Watson

Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The hallouminati — Nick Helm

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits — Frank Skinner

I did a gig recently where I got booed off stage for saying that I live at home with my parents. As soon as I said it the whole audience went: “Booooo!” That’s the last time I do a charity gig for an orphanage — Nathan Caton

I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s — Bec Hill

[Skids]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money."
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.

"Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered..

"Well .... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, ....

...tentatively said ....

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[Culprit]

After seeing 50 Shades of Grey a frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband eventually asks, “Are you wearing crotch less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."